BLACK GIRL CONSIDERS CHOPPING OFF HER DICK AND OTHER 3 A.M. MUSINGS
Black girl muses:
Beautiful things do not look like dick.
Dick looks like a rocket running wild pubic hair jet fuel flaring behind
Or stubby branches on trees that sprout no leaves.
Black girl says dick needs to go.
Black girl grabs scissors off of desk.
Black girl realizes that is a terrible fucking idea.
Black girl returns scissors to desk.
Black girl wonders:
How to get rid of dick?
Black girl picks phone up.
Black girl sets phone down.
It is 3 a.m.
The doctor’s office does not take calls at 3 a.m.
Black girl makes note to self: tomorrow morning call Doctor and ask about cutting off dick.
Black girl repeats that sentence.
Doctor… Cutting off dick.
Black girl’s Race Theory/Gender Theory college courses kick in.
Lynch mob passes before black girl’s eyes.
New York City.
Sea of white faces.
Black body covered in blood.
Fingers: Cut off.
Toes: Cut off.
Skin: Cut off.
Dick: Cut off.
Black body screams.
Black body lit.
Black body burns.
Black body feels rope round neck.
Black body dies.
Black body lynched.
Black body’s blood fills streets.
Black dick salvaged.
Black dick pickled.
Black dick sold to highest bidder.
Black dick stored in white man’s office for good luck.
Black girl snaps out of it.
Black girl curses racist power structures for ruining everything.
Black girl looks up genital reconstruction surgeons.
Black girl sees many of the white in doctor coats.
Black girl wonders how many of the surgeons’ ancestors owned black dicks.
Black girl cries.
Black girl curses.
Black girl cries some more.
Black girl walks to kitchen.
Black girl gets Oreo ice cream.
Black girl gets big spoon.
Black girl strips.
Black girl walks to mirror.
Black girl eats ice cream naked in front of mirror with big spoon while staring at her dick.
Black girl thinks about black girls before her.
Black girl thinks about black girls who didn’t have race theory/gender theory college course.
Black girl thinks about black girls who had their girlhood stolen from them when they stepped off the boat in chains.
Black girl wonders if hating her dick is intrinsic to black girls with dicks or learned from when the first black girl was told to make herself man. Black girl thinks maybe diaspora is where dysphoria begins.
Black girl has no idea if this is true.
Black girl dips spoon into empty ice cream carton.
Black girl is out of ice cream.
Black girl sets empty ice cream carton down and sticks her tongue out at the empty carton.
Black girl looks back to the mirror.
Black girl slaps her thighs and watches them jiggle.
Black girl looks at her dick.
Black girl feels the hell and history and havoc behind it.
Black girl turns off light.
Black girl flops onto bed.
Black girl wiggles her thighs again.
Black girl falls asleep.
Black girl dreams of rocket ship dicks pickled in an old jar on an old shelf inside an old white guy’s office, bursting through the glass, getting dick juice everywhere, finally flying free
Isabella X is a black, queer, polyamorous member of the African Diaspora/ student/ storyteller/ freedom fighter/ Diasporic Transfemme from Calvert County Maryland. They study Women’s and Gender Studies in Fredonia State University of New York. Isabella has slowly integrated themself into the world of slam poetry in Western New York, helping Fredonia’s Intercollegiate Poetry Slam team take fourth place in the Intercollegiate Slam housed in the University of Buffalo. Their story, The Verb To Nightmare, is forthcoming in Trident, Fredonia’s Literary Magazine.